


akaashi thinks a lot

by Yukitori



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Drabble, Projecting, just akaashi and his thoughts, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:20:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26614381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yukitori/pseuds/Yukitori
Summary: was dealing with some small things that broke the dam on my repressed emotions and trauma so I decided to write this to put those thoughts into a coherent work.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	akaashi thinks a lot

Ever since day one there was always an expectation for Akaashi Keiji, that expectation changed over the years but there was always some idea of a standard for him.

Whether it was in manners, academics, social habits, there was always some bar he needed to reach. From being a quiet child, scared to be the center of attention, scared of being wrong or out of line, to some type of closed-off robot. 

His few friends would joke about his seeming lack of emotions but none of them seemed to understand why he was like that. Now while you could go into detail of some slightly unfortunate childhood you could just listen to how it made a once quiet, kind, and outgoing child, into the automation he seemed to be. And how he actually felt on the inside.

Mainly, Akaashi’s default mood was numbness, nothingness. 

Usually, his thoughts consumed his emotions, moving so fast he could only get some impression of the emotion attached to the fleeting thoughts. Sometimes it was a sharp pain and guilt, or maybe sadness, sometimes he’d feel the shadow of happiness.

He doesn’t really remember a time before this filter, where every emotion felt warped and weak. He sometimes convinces himself he was always like this to ignore the pain of reality. While he grew up and the problems around him grew in complexity and importance, the more did his friends and family depend on him as some glorified therapist or counselor.

Akaashi tried ignoring the heavy weight of everyone's problems on him. Sometimes he’d have no choice but to break down and acknowledge the crushing fear of being wrong, of disappointing someone, of making something worse.

But he’d never break in front of someone else, revealing the fact that he could be vulnerable or weak seemed worse than anything else. For if people realized that The Akaashi Keiji was vulnerable or weak, they wouldn’t come to him for advice or for an ear to feel heard by. 

And if people didn’t do that, how would Akaashi justify his existence anymore? 

That's another deep topic to cover, to analyze and discuss the reason why Akaashi boiled down his purpose in life to what he was able to provide to the people around him and to the world. 

What a heavy responsibility to believe your purpose is to change the world for the better in any way shape or form, How deafening must be the thoughts telling you that you're not good enough solely based on your own helplessness. And how ironic for him to believe he should only do what's best, what the greater good is, when thinking about the pain he’s caused others.

Of people falling in love with him, hoping he's truthful when he says the same, and then having to slowly come to the realization that, he lied, or at least they think he did. In Akaashi’s mind, he did love them, at least he convinced himself that he did. He’d give his undivided attention and would only think of them, how someone could love him. 

Of course, when being cut off from your emotions, it's hard to communicate how you feel.

While he could write the best persuasive essays and emotional fiction, he could never properly articulate his feelings. And some people never realize how different thoughts versus feelings are but those who only ever overthink and introspect do. Akaashi sometimes thinks his ability to think and go down logic loops is second to none from how many times he’s lost track of time while lost in his thoughts.

Sometimes it feels better to lose yourself in contemplation than to confront the tension in your throat and chest or the stinging in your eyes and the burning in your esophagus.

While this talk of introspective thought sounds pretentious, he never intends it to be. He means his words as he says them. Akaashi understands his intelligence in specific areas but refuses to assume he’s the most informed in a conversation. Sometimes it leads him to miss out on opportunities or a potential friendship.

He never really knows how to talk to people, he fears that his words will be misconstrued or manipulated as they were in the past. Sometimes he’s afraid of making that connection in fear they’ll use him as someone did before. It's hard to be kind and welcoming when people have time after time, used that against you. 

Sometimes he feels guilty for being brutally honest instead of sugar coating things, or even when he does intend to hurt with his honesty. He understands on some level that he feels as if he isn't allowed to feel things. That those emotions are wrong and manipulative to feel. He fears that he could become a horrible person, sometimes he convinces himself that he is.

It affects his relationships heavily and he feels guilty for that. 

He punishes his emotions of anger and companionship by isolating himself from the object of those emotions.

Sometimes he wonders if other people realize the clues he leaves behind for help. No one ever confronts him if they do. When he started opening up to the people he trusted about his emotions, he was only met with discomfort, and no one understanding how to respond.

Not the best response when trying to recover from emotional abuse and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Maybe it did harm him more in the end, to experience the inability of other people to do the same for him as he does for them. He never dwells on that thought for fear of the realization he might have to come to if he does.

Akaashi Keiji feels alone. Loneliness is such a complicated feeling. How you could be surrounded by people who love you and care for you and still feel estranged and empty. Sometimes the emptiness changes from a dull ache to chronic body aches that leave him almost immobile in the early mornings or latest nights. 

He disregards the symptoms he knows he has, the restlessness, the paranoia, the chronic pain, and even the nausea from eating. He feels as if he doesn't get to deal with all of that right now. Instead, he’ll focus on the quiet thoughts of love, whether or not if he can feel it or understand it. 

He believes his love for specific people is more of intrigue rather than actually caring and loving them. Sometimes he thinks that even if he is loved by someone, he could never reciprocate it due to his self-sabotage and of relationships in the past

. He does catch himself thinking always of a certain person from time to time, wondering if it's intrigue, infatuation or actually love. Akaashi contemplates a lot on that feeling he gets when he sees them or talks to them.

Sometimes he daydreams of realities where he does feel, not the dull wash of an emotion but the true, raw, full-body feeling. He convinces himself he does love and could be loved back by them.

He tries convincing himself that it doesn't bother him when he finds out that they don't love him back that way.

It wasn't even from a confession or a conversation, but a small sentence uttered from their lips. 

Once again he feels the dull wash fall over him again, like some heavy cloth trying to pull him into the dull earth and be one with the soil again. 

Akaashi thinks about death a lot. He wonders how it feels to feel nothing, no warmth on his skin or aching of his chest. He understands it's not healthy but he ignores the warning in his brain. It's a little concerning to him of why he continues his thought processes, if it's some way of self-harm or if it's just curiosity of how dark and unhealthy his mind can get. 

Sometimes his intrusive thoughts that should scare him, don't. That terrifies him more. Still, he can't escape the elaborate Tartarus-like maze of his myriad of thoughts. He decides to let the sleep relieve him of his ever-moving thoughts and deal with the continuation the next morning.


End file.
